I-Message In Action
Welcome to Momthought. I’m Joan Romero at MomThought.com thanks for joining me today. Today’s MomThought is I-message in Action.
Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with the baby on my lap when Eden climbed up onto the couch and started playing with the baby. I began to feel very crowded, but that’s not what I said. What I said to Eden was, “move over, stopped doing that, and give me some room”. I was commanding, directing, and instructing. I realized at that very moment that, I wasn’t using an I-message. I waited for her reaction. I was surprised when she went completely limp. She closed her eyes like she was asleep, and she flopped her body onto mine. Well, that didn’t solve my problem at all, in fact it made it worse. Now, I felt even more crowded. I figured I had two choices. I could continue down the path and threaten Eden with punishment. Or I could turn it around with an I-message. And that’s what I decided to do (if for no other reason than to experiment) and to see what would happen. I started by saying, “sorry I didn’t mean to tell you what to do”. “But I do want to tell you that I’m feeling crowded.” Eden perked right up. She looked me in the eyes and said, “but I want to play with the baby”.
Then I said, “but when I’m holding her. It’s too much for me”.
To which Eden said, “then put her on the floor”. It was like a light bulb went off. Of course, I put the baby on the floor and the girls were able to play together. And then I was completely free to go and do other things. I was delighted with the results.
It’s not always easy to get in touch with your feelings. In fact, that statement alone has negative connotations. Yet, if parents can learn to communicate their feelings to their children, that will empower the children to be participating contributors of helpful solutions. That’s the power of I-messages. You invite others to help solve your problems in a way that is beneficial to each party. So, although it may take time and it may be a humbling experience. It is well worth the effort.
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Thank you!
Joan Romero
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